Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Randomize
