we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
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