Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Randomize
