They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize