Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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