i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
