i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
