I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
