dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Randomize
