You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
