On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Randomize
