I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
As shirtless as possible
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
