I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
