Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
