This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Less talking, more tequila
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
