This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
