oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
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