A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
