i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
