I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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