the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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