I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
These tits shall not be calmed
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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