I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
