Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
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