Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
