Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
