If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
