goodnight i made you a song goodbye
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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