don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
