There is no way he is gay with that hair.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
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My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
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He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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