my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Found your dick twin last night
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Randomize
