my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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