i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
