I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
She even gives head with a lisp.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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