Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
