my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
His nipple licking is glorious
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