Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
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