Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
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