Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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