I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
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There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
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You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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