TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
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