Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Terrible idea I love it
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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