this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
You may now shotgun with the bride
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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