Betty ford says i'm here all night
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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