I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
