morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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