I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
