i love accidental penises.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
