Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
