So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize
