I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Randomize
