ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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