You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Randomize
