i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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