apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
